The Importance of Failure

A lot of my friends hate failing. They hate failing because they dislike the feeling of it, because they're scared that they'll feel inferior to others that succeed and because they just don't want that failure tainting their page. Everyone hates the feeling of failing- I do too, as much as any human. But when you think about failing and you can smile at the sheer thought of it happening, when you think of your past failures (whether they were big or small) and you can smile and go, "I failed" and when you believe that failing is a good thing, that's when you know you're one step closer to maturity, adulthood and life morals. I dislike failing: but that is because of the culture and traditions that I was raised in. I'm Asian. Hence, my parents don't like failing (my mother especially). She likes to do things right the first time and she has imposed those values onto me and my younger sister. But I've grown away and out of her values. I'm a teenager now, I follow my own rules and my own rules only. I experiment with things that my parents would hate me doing (relationships, friendships, school) but who cares? I learnt long, long ago that at my age, or as a teenager/young adult, everything you do will fail at some point in time. Look at the statistics, relationships in high school don't last (at least the majority of them)- that's failing. Friendships in primary school and high school never last (majority of them once again)- that's failing. School grades go up and down depending on how much time and energy you put into it- that's half failing. There are so many things in life that we fail at doing. But humans are so up themselves. They're too self confident, too ignorant to understand that to fail isn't a burden, but it may be your asset and it would be an even bigger asset if you admitted your failure and confronted it, rather than hide or shy away from it. I reflect back on my relationships- I think about what I failed at doing, what I failed at making the relationship last. And now, in this relationship, I'm doing everything I can to stop myself from making the same mistakes (but that is easier said that done, regardless, it's better to be trying right?). I know that in the end, I will fail again but when I look at it, rather than thinking that I failed another relationship, lost another friendship, I think that I have gained some valuable experience and lessons from something I failed at doing. Because believe it or not, failing is more than just a feeling- it's an experience. An experience that makes you mature, it makes you think about life in a different point of view and it makes you become more self confident in yourself the next time you 'fail'. So stop thinking that failing is not allowed- it's more than allowed, it's encouraged even! Failing...

Stupid Stress

I'm so sick of being stressed.

When I was in Australia, I was never stressed! I mean, yeah, sure, I guess when I was taking my half yearly and yearly exams I was stressed but that never lasted for more than an hour! The stress I'm feeling now is...ridiculous.

All my friends are at school, having fun, enjoying being a teenager but I'm stuck with making good grades, doing extra curricular activities, service learning hours and studying for the SAT's.

I'm no superwoman.

I need my time of rest, my time to do whatever I want.

My parents say that they understand me and what I want but all they care about is that I get into a good college. Sure, a good college will be a lifetime of benefits for me and I agree that I should be studying for the SAT's.

But have they ever stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, I'm old enough to make my own decisions?! I know when I have to study, what I have to study for.

So if they just SHUT THE HELL up for one BRIEF SECOND than maybe, just maybe, they'll see the side of me actually studying.

No one studies willingly after their parents have non-stop talked to them about them being worried, making them studying, giving them a huge stack of SAT prep books and then confiscate their laptop and phone.

Facebook...or should I say, my laptop is the only thing that keeps me sane every single day I return home after school. It's my life line. And now they're taking it away from me?

Sorry, unless you want me to perish, NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Half an hour of lunch isn't enough for me every day Mum, Dad.

LEARN TO SEE MY POINT OF VIEW PLEASE.

I'm sick of being stressed. And do you know what the most stupid thing about today is? I want to CRY. I WANT TO FU*KING CRY. But nothing.

Not one drop.

Probably because I had cried so much this weekend that I have no more tears left. But for once, I wish I could cry. Because when the tears come out, it makes my life suddenly a whole lot easier and brighter.

I'm so tired...everyday of every second and there will never be anyone that will tell me that their there for me and will watch out for me when I fall down, asleep.

Why isn't there a person like that...?

I'm straying off topic.

I hate stress.

It's the worst thing in the world.

Who agrees with me?

Being Ridiculed, Teased, Bullied

Everyone's had the time when they are bullied, when they are getting called names. It happens to everyone and there isn't anything that we can do about it. We can campaign to schools to tell them to do an anti-bullying regime but hey, who listens to kids right? No one that's who.

Who does he/she think they are to call you names?

He/she is no one that's who.

When I was young, I was bullied senseless. I was called, ugly, bitch, slut, idiot...almost every name imaginable. I cried every time I was getting called that. I was young, only 8 or 9 no less. But as I grew up, I began to understand that getting bullied at a young age is NORMAL and I began to accept it instead of fighting against it.

Every time I was called a name, instead of giving that person I negative response like most people would I would go "really? thanksss =)" and then forget about within a minute when I find something to do. That simple.

Because I've accepted the challenges that life throws at me and I've decided to look at them all being positive rather than negative.

But, there is always this once in a while person that breaks those thoughts and makes you feel like your shit (and your not).

He/She comes out as gentle at first, a good friend, someone that will listen to whatever you say and give you the best advice and as you trust them more and more, everything suddenly becomes great: until the day they turn their back on you and sneer and spit at your face (not literally of course, figuratively speaking). They suddenly become the worlds first A-Class jackass that will torment you with the secrets you told them and you'll suddenly want to wish that you never met that person, you never trusted he/she and you never actually believed that this could be happening.

By that time, nothing you can say to yourself matters. Nothing. Because suddenly, the whole world just collapsed, disappeared and concaved into itself and you have no more support on your shoulders to hold it up.

All your insecurities will flood out of your mind and begin to revolve around your eyes, ears and head. Those insecurities that took you so long, just to tell them to behave came out just like that: 1, 2 ,3.

That, above, is exactly what I just experienced last night. I don't want to say what this person said to me and I don't want to tell anyone how I reacted. I just thought that you should all know (despite not having one active reader yet) and that some experiences should always be shared with others to prevent people from making the same mistakes.

I make mistakes all the time. But this one, was by far the worst mistake I've ever made and the worst mistake I will ever make again.

A Good Book

What is a good book?

Is a good book a book that you enjoy? A book you can relate to? A book that changes your perspective on life?

I have an answer: a book that can make you feel anger, saddess and pain when you're following the character throughout the whole story.

Because I'm reading a good book right now.

Don't know how many people know about it. It's called the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I've never read any of his other books but just from reading this one book of his (despite it not being my genre - I HAVE TO READ IT FOR SCHOOL!) I know that he's a great writer.

To those that don't know what I'm talking about I'll give you a brief summary of what I read so far which is no more than 100 pages but still, I've got a pretty good insight so far.

It's about a boy before the Taliban named Amir who is the son of a wealthy father. He and his father have a very thin relationship because he was being blamed that he had killed his mother because of his birth. He has a loyal friend that he considers more of a brother in private but a servant in public; his name is Hassan. They've been friends since birth.

In Afghanistan, there's a tradition of kite flying. But obviously not the hobby kind. Kite flying is a game there. It's where the opponents try to cut off the kite using glass string. So after a game (that's usually during the winter) his friend, Amir's friend, Hassan got raped. By a BOY.

And he was just there...watching it all happen.

So now, after page 75, every time I read about anything related to that incident, I always end up having to control my tears. Because it's so horrible.

They were only 12!

They were so young yet they were getting raped by someone their own age....And the person that rapped him actually ENJOYED IT. What kind of a person is that?! And what kind of a person is Amir for just standing there and WATCHING as if it was a SHOW?!

Their not friends.

Amir isn't a friend. He'll never be a good friend. Because he doesn't do what a good friend does and that is: defending. He just stood there...and why did he just stand there?!

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED!

___________________________________________________________

This book is nice.

But I'm starting to hate it. I don't like books like the Kite Runner. I like easy going books, books that don't talk about a 12 year old kid getting raped by a person his own age that is the same gender and his so called friend isn't just standing there and watching with his fist in his mouth!

I like romance. I like comedy. I like adventure.

I dislike dark. I disliked these books!

I don't know how long I can read this book for....I can't stand it and I'm not even half way through the book! I can't stand it...I can't bear it!!!

Why did my school choose for us to read this book....why...

Longest week of my Life . . .

I swear, if I said that this week was one of the longest week of my life you would probably think that I was bs-ing. I might be!

No, I'm really not shitting here.

I'm mentally and physically dead. Just happy that "emotionally" isn't into that equation because then I really would have no life!

This week has been ridiculously hectic. Assignments, homework, tests. EVERYTHING happened this week! I swear though, my social life has just...DISSAPPEARED ! As that it never existed.

Except I think that that's because I'm not balancing life very well. But then again, who could?

When so many things are supposed to get done at the same time...

1. School - assignments, test reviews, homework

2. Team Read - work experience in tudoring kids

3. Drivers Education - OMG I NEED TO PRACTICEE!!!

4. Practicing for the SAT's that happening OVER a year later - parents....

I'm screwed for Junior year.

HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BALANCE IT OUT?!

I'm having troubles already and it's only Sophomore year....omgosh im so screwed~~

WHAT AM I GOING TO DOO?!

But I'm just glad that it's Friday. Friday...well, Saturday to be exact since it's 2AM (why am I still awake?!) and it's the weekend! No homework! So I can do anything I want to prepare for the next week! I need all the rest I can get. Because I'm worried that I might not survive next week without dropping down unconscious!

What happens when you're stressed?

I don't know. All I know is that, life is all about stress. But sometime you have to learn to handle it. I can handle it all right. =.=|||

I ignore it!

There's no point in acknowledging stress. What's the point? It'll just make you frantic and worried and that's really not such a great combination. Still though, stress is life. And we all have to live with it..

It's 2:05AM and I'm tired. Shoulder hurt because of it being in the same position for the past 2 hours (posed on the keyboard ready to type! that's the position!) so I'm going to go~

PEACE AND LOVEE <3

Pressure for Life . . .

Everyone gets pressured by their parents. It's normal and it's always happening.

Pressure can lead to tension and can lead to fights and arguments and even to a cold war.

I for one, absolutely hate pressure. It kills my confidence, my mood at the time and almost everything else.

"S, you need to stop focusing your mind on the internet, your phone and your iPod. You need to start focusing on studying, making friends, gaining connections and practicing your PSAT/SAT/ACT's."

BULL. SHIT.

So I know I need to focus on studying.

And I do.

So I know I need to focus on making friends.

And I do.

So I know I need to focus on gaining connections.

And I DON'T. <<< I don't want to use others just so I can succeed in my life. I don't want to go through the back door like how other people are willing to. I don't want to be bitched behind the back as the girl that took the easy way. So my parents (Asians at that also) are like that. I'm NOT. And I don't WANT to be like that. They can't force me into using people I call my friends as connections. It's NOT going to happen.

So I focus on practicing my SAT's or whatever.

And I WILL.

I know my priorities and I know how to set them straight. Why the hell do I need my parents to do it for me?! I live my life and they can live theirs. Sure, their the ones that gave me my life but after awhile, you HAVE to stop using that same argument over, and over again! It's getting OLD mum. Chill OUT.

I can have fun and study at the same time. I can have a boyfriend and keep up my grades at the same time. I can hang out with my friends and be able to get all my homework done. I can do it all. I can multitask.

So watch me.

Watch me do it and watch me prove to you that you can stop being so hard-core on your daughter and CHILL OUT while I get into the school of my dreams and while I get my college diploma and while I get the job of my dreams, while I get a good and strong husband. Watch it all mum and please, watch it from the side lines...FOR ONCE.

Stage #1

I wake up every morning thinking to myself that if I was just one year older, than i would be one year closer to coming to my dream.

What's my dream then?

I have no damn idea.

I mean, I have choices:

-Author

-Artist

-Fashion Designer

-Wedding Planner

So many jobs that I can go for in the zooming future but so far, none of them has struck me as 'the job'.

So school's supposed to be the place where we discover our passion, our hobbies, our past, our present and our future.

So far, i've discovered my passion, my hobby, my past and my present but my future literally is still a blurry and foggy path. A road where I'm scared to start walking down because I don't know the consequences.

I'm Asian.

Being Asian means that we don't like taking chances. We only like to do what we know will pay off..we're cheap sakes that never spend excess money. Sure, i'm semi white washed but that doesn't mean that my Asian background isn't still lurking in my soul.

[deja vu moment!]

School, for me, is a place where i learn, where i make friends, where i complain about how being a teen is a stroke of bad luck, where i become a teachers pet for favourite teachers. School's a sanctuary at times, especially when we don't know about the society outside.

But you know what? If we don't venture out into the society some day, we're just going to be more vulnerable to getting hurt, getting used and getting looked down upon.

No one wants that to happen to them. Especially me. I'm not going to stand around while everyone else is climbing the ladder of success while I haven't even taken one rung under my foot yet.

So that's why, school's an ASS. But then again, school is never that bad of a thing.

I guess school's only bad if you're like me and want to enter into the society soon.

My cousins who just finished college and is working now said to me that you don't want to leave school once you've been into reality.

So they might be right. Who knows? I don't that's for certain. But this happens to everyone.

From a baby, you want to learn to be able to walk followed by speaking. After you can walk you want to be able to run and after you're able to start speaking you want to be singing. Once you can run and you can sing, you want to be able to think. You want to be able to make your own decisions and be left alone by your parents to talk to your friends or do whatever it is you want to do. After that, you begin to wonder what life outside of being protected by. And that's where I am now.

Think about it.